‘Siesta Key’ Recap: Everybody Breaks Up and Spencer Pratt Has So Many Thoughts

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It’s getting stormy AF in Siesta Key: Juliette and Alex have called it quits (again), Ben and Madisson are no longer a thing, Brandon’s on the hunt for a new muse now that he and Camilla are over, Cara’s being shady to Garrett, and Pauly Paul just can’t seem to get over his troubles with the law.

We needed to untie the tangled web that Siesta’s most privileged kids weaved this week, so we called up Reality King Spencer Pratt (and Heidi) to get his reactions to everything from Tawni’s confrontation with Madisson to Chloe’s continued excellence in criminal investigation. As you’d expect, he had a lot to say:

On Alex and Juliette:

Why is it that whenever Juliette’s trying to make a valid point about their relationship, Alex’s response is always “I can get girls. I can get girls!”

We get it, buddy—that’s what got you in trouble in the first place. And now we’re wasting precious time where you could be riding around on your boat talking about whether you really cheated on Juliette with two randos.

When he told Juliette she’d come back to him even if he had cheated, it’s like “oh my god.” Dude is insane. I don’t think he realizes just how little control he has of the situation. Even if Alex came clean about the cheating, it wouldn’t matter anymore. It’s not even a story point. We all know you did it. Let’s just move on. They’re going to let Juliette narrate the show whether you’re together or not, buddy.

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On Juliette being counseled by Amanda:

Dude, Amanda hooked up with Alex while you were together and she’s out here telling you he’s not worth it? If someone that ice-cold is telling you to walk away, you should probably listen. How many of Alex’s exes do we need to get in here for this to be an effective intervention?

I mean even Alex’s mom was like, “Wow, you’re broken up again? Maybe stop messing with this girl’s emotions,” and all he could say was, “I can still get girls, mom.” I bet she was comforted to hear that.

On Alex’s thought process:

I wish Alex had this much energy for Pauly Paul, who’s going to jail for the ridiculous crime of having weed. But Alex is all, “Pauly is in a really terrible place right now. He may go to jail forever. I should really help him!” Then, the next scene is him calling up Cara to see if she’s down to come over and cheat on Garrett.

He’s like “I just have so much on my plate. What one thing can I let go of?” And it’s Pauly’s felony. Amazing.

On Alex and Juliette’s breakup:

To be honest, I’ve already watched this break up twelve times. Whatever Juliette’s saying when she does her big speech doesn’t matter, because she’s said it for two seasons now. She should just be like “Oh, it’s Monday? Time to break up again!” All Alex needs to do is wait two days and send a YSL bag.

You know, that’s probably why she’s so worried about what her friends will say. Because she’s always asking them for advice and then “following her heart.” Maybe follow your heart to a stable job so you can buy your own yacht.

On what was missing during the breakup:

The whole time I was thinking: Where’s Kelsey? We need Kelsey to pop in out of nowhere and talk about “some guy I totally didn’t hook up with because I’m not a cheater” for a few minutes. Where’s that energy? We’ve got too much honesty on The Key right now. Have Kelsey roll up on Alex and see where that goes. Season three.

On Alex and Cara:

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“No, I wasn’t going to bring my bathing suit.”

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I have no idea why Cara went over to his house, but I really thought we were gonna watch them skinny-dip. You know what I realized? I don’t think Cara likes Alex one bit. She just wants to narrate the show next season.

She’s like “I don’t like Juliette, and I don’t like her boyfriend, but I’m definitely taking over this show.” Which is a tall order for someone with no charisma. Nice to see people trying to live their dreams, though. Much respect.

It’s hard to hate on her because she knows she’s on a TV show and she’s thirsty. The producers are probably up in her ear telling her all about everyone else’s big scenes and she’s not experienced enough yet to know where she should and shouldn’t go. It’s hard to judge a fame whore. #IGetIt

On Ben and Tawni:

Ben is really scary and Tawni isn’t winning any awards for “not stalking people and just leaving them alone,” so I think the two of them make a really great couple.

Heidi didn’t think the way Madisson handled Tawni was that nice, but that’s because she doesn’t have as much experience with psychopaths who screenshot your snaps when you specifically ask them not to. Or experience with psychopaths who text shower selfies to girls that aren’t Madisson.

These two are what I imagine Spring Break couples look like on The Key. They will definitely murder someone. Tawni will 100% dispose a body for Ben. That’s just the kind of loyal go-getter she is.

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On Tawni and Madisson’s confrontation:

Heidi: I liked the way Madisson was so in control. I wasn’t upset with how Madisson handled it. At the same time, she didn’t need to take Tawni down. Your boyfriend’s involved, so why are you calling the other girl out instead of him? But Madisson’s right about Tawni: Why do you want to be the other girl? What’s that going to do for you?

Good for Tawni to come up and say something, though. I think Madisson’s missing the part where Tawni didn’t need to have that conversation.

Spencer: Unless she wanted to be on TV!

On Tawni wanting to be “that girl behind closed doors”:

Since there’s an MTV camera crew behind those closed doors, I think she definitely does. If she really wanted to be a homie, she would have done all this off-camera. Then maybe Madisson would have helped her with her engineering homework instead of calling her “classless” on national TV that her grandma watches.

Let’s be real: Tawni wasn’t coming to Madisson as a sign of “respect.” She wasn’t collecting files like Chloe. She wasn’t sneaking around corners and showing fake houses to get the truth. She wasn’t raking sand trying to eavesdrop. No, that’s good honest work we can all respect.

Tawni wanted to end this relationship. She was feeling Ben out to see if he was committed. And she got bodied by Madisson for it and now she’s not going to be selling diet tea on Insta. That’s the life she chose.

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On Tawni’s breakdown in the bathroom:

I don’t think that’s the first bathroom floor that Tawni’s cried on. It isn’t that serious, girl.

The craziest part of that scene was watching Canvas and Cara helping her and Cara realizing halfway through that she chose the wrong place to be.

Her mouth is saying “I feel for you, Connie, is it?” but her eyes are saying “None of the other stars are coming in here? I don’t belong in this scene. I’m part of the A-Cast!”

On Canvas calling Madisson a “sneaky snake.”

That’s a reckless allegation coming from the C-list players. What are you not telling, Canvas? If you’ve got evidence, present it, and take your rightful place next to Chloe. If you don’t, well, there’s lots of nice cool tile next to Tawni!

Canvas is just really jealous right now: She didn’t end up with Brandon, he’s going back to Madisson, and her singing career was swooped by The Beyonce of The Key — Wasn’t Canvas supposed to be this big singer with a whole lotta soul? Situation’s looking pretty somber for her.

On why Tawni didn’t have Ben’s snaps but Chloe did:

I think we’re looking at two different things here: Snaps that you can’t save and screenshots of texts that you can. Would I put it past Canvas and Chloe to open up some snaps and take pics with another phone? Why don’t you take a wild guess.

Damn. Another Key resident’s about to be subpoenaed to appear before a congressional committee thanks to Chloe’s hard work.

On Amanda and Chloe’s relationship:

I really appreciated Amanda stepping up and defending Chloe when they were all talking shit about her being a gossip. She’s like, “Chloe just tells the truth and you guys don’t like that.” That was a good friend moment, I appreciated that. Especially when you consider that Amanda once broke Chloe’s nose for telling the truth. Really inspiring the things that friendship can overcome.

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On sharing shower selfies on Snap:

I’m not body confident, otherwise I would have lots and lots of naked photos all over my IG. If I looked like Bella Hadid I would have no clothes on everyday on my content. But that would still all go on my main story. DMing is as shady as it gets.

On Ben’s attempt at self-defense:

“I don’t even have her number stored” is the best “I didn’t cheat” I’ve ever heard. What does that have to do with anything, guy? The fact that you’re texting this random string of digits about “tying you up” is even more suspicious. Madisson has two degrees. She knows what you’re doing. What, were you going to store Tawni’s number as “Girl I Could Definitely Be Cheating With?”

On Brandon’s music career:

He keeps saying he wants to be on the podcast [Make Speidi Famous Again], but he’s so busy performing at bars on weeknights that we haven’t been able to make it happen. We don’t work weekends.

I love when he says, “There’s gonna be like 250 people at these shows,” and then we go to a show and there’s eight people and he’s singing the one song. I wonder if they have other music to play, but that one song is getting stuck in my head, so maybe they realized that their best bet was to do their smash hit, pick up a few drink tickets, and call it a night.

I don’t know what’s going on with his relationships, though. Why did Brandon break up with Camilla? And why is he apologizing to not-Bey? The only thing Camilla did was wonder why she wasn’t going on tour, but I guess you can’t expect a big player in the hip-hop scene like B. Gomes to put up with your shit when you start asking “for a complete list of tour dates” and to “maybe kiss your exes a little less in music videos.”

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On #Bradisson:

This dude just broke up, and as soon as Madisson walks in, he’s like “oh my god, you look so amazing.” Hmmm, I can guess what all that was about.

The producers must have told him Ben was being shady, because his whole energy was “we’re gonna get back together.” Madisson did come to all his gigs, so it’d be nice to have that level of support again.

Brandon’s going to show up to the airport when Ben’s leaving. Just eat some grapes through the security glass.

On Ben and Madisson’s breakup:

Ben looked shook. That was my favorite break-up ever. He doesn’t live here. He doesn’t have friends on The Key. Madisson just fired him from reality TV.

He’s a ghost. He thought he was going to be in the opening credits and he’s not even getting a “special thanks.” Guess he should have checked with Madisson before he went all in on this storyline.

On Pauly Paul’s response to his intervention:

I don’t know what’s worse: that ambush or the fact that they wouldn’t let him keep his bun up in jail.

That’s the problem with a reality show filming you, though. Sometimes you make bad choices for TV. If they weren’t filming him and he wasn’t trying to be a gangster rapper on camera, he would’ve handled that family meeting so differently. He would’ve been begging for another chance, but instead he tried to play it cool and totally fucked himself up.

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I would have been crying. Hysterically. I would have been begging Beverly for a second chance. I’d have said “rehab” so many times it would trend on social. “Beverly, let me move in with you! I want to live a good Christian life and read the bible every day together.” Literally a 180 of what he did. I hope he had a change of heart off-screen.

I think this is probably a cry for help. He can’t be this stupid. You know what it could be? Pauly could be just too deep in the game, ’cause every time I’ve talked to him, he’s always like, “I’m the biggest star, I have the most press of the show.”

I’m like, “What press?”

He’s like “Did you see TMZ, all the stories?”

And I’m like, “Pauly, they’re all about you getting arrested,” but all he hears is that no one else on the cast is on TMZ. He could think that to get his name in the credits, he needs to get more arrests. But I don’t think prison is the right place for him. I don’t think he’s going to roll out of gen pop all muscled up with a teardrop tattoo and a book of poetry ready to be published.

That’s not it, Pauly. You’re not getting a spinoff. We all just want you to be better.

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